he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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