i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
