I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
