Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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