Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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