They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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