Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
