I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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