I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
