ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
