I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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