Who wears a wallet chain?!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
