theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You did what with his pubic hair?
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