I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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