You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
