My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
