some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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