so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
