I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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