1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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