Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
