I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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