how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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