it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
