Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Bring me that man meat
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
