I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
