need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
