just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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