took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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