why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
