I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
