some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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