Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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