Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
