He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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