new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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