he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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