Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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