I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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