I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
