I accidentally burped into my bong.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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