sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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