seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
