Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
