Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
