apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The air was thick with penises
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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