My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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