Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
There's always time for handjobs
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
