You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
