Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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