She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
