Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don't deserve a penis
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
