i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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