Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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