If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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