God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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