maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
