Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We need a shit load of segways right now
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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