i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
