Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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