i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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